Sometimes, You Gotta Go With Your Gut

I often write about things that affect me.  Most of the time it is in the form of poetry.  But there are many things that I simply can’t get my mind around.  One of those things is what a horrible disease cancer is, and how it feels to get that diagnosis.

About  seven or so months ago, my brother in law went to the doctor for an MRI because he was having trouble with kidney stones.   When they did it, they found a shadow on his liver.  Did the biopsy, and, you guessed it, he has cancer.  One spot is all that showed up, and the doctors were pretty sure that they could remove it with surgery.  But that was not the case.  As it turns out, he has a very rare form of liver cancer that not a lot is known about.  I can’t spell it.  But I know it is not good.  The best thing we heard on that day was that it is confined to the liver, and that is not usually the case, either.  So, we had hope.

Tim has now gone through a full regimen of Chemotherapy, but with no real results.  The doctors plan now to insert radiation beads, but they have to map the area first.  Of course, the insurance company has not yet approved the procedure, even though the Doctors have stressed ot hem that time is of the essence.  So, we are waiting.

But, let me tell you about Tim.  He is one good, solid, Christian man, whose faith through all of this makes me ashamed.  He has missed very little work, even though the chemo had some nasty side effects.  He has been a marathon runner, and continues to run, nearly every day.  He welcomed their newest grandchild into the world the day before his surgery, and ran 6 miles.  Tim is the very epitome of  health.  So, I have repeatedly wondered why this has happened to him, and to our family.  I can’t believe that God would let it be found, if He did not mean to heal Tim.  But, then, I stopped, and thought about it.  The lesson may be one we all need to learn.

My family is no stranger to cancer.  I lost both of my own parents, and an aunt to the horrible disease.  So, I am well versed in the paths that it can take.  Did I want to lose them?  Of course not.  But, they were a bit older, and somehow, easier to take.  Tim is in his early 50s.  I know that age has nothing to do with it, either.  But, somehow, it just doesn’t seem right.  But if you talk to Tim, although I know he hopes for a cure, he is at peace with whatever way God chooses to handle it.  His thought is that either way, he wins.  If God does heal him, ok, and if not, well, he knows where he is going.  And that gives me comfort.

One thing this has done is brought the family closer together.  We don’t live in the same town, but,  are only about an hour and a half apart.  We saw each other at family gatherings, and the holidays, and other than that, pretty much went on and led our own lives.  Now, we keep in touch through phone calls, texting and facebook, and talk several times a week.  In fact, since this type of cancer is so rare, we are planning a 5K walk/run in early June, to raise awareness, and money for research for this particular type of cancer.  Right now, we are waiting for an approval from the insurance company to do a procedure called mapping, so that the doctors knowhere to insert the radiation beads.

UPDATE….I started this piece yesterday, and this morning, I found out that the insurance company has denied approval for the radiation beading.  Their poor excuse is that “they do not deem it medically necessary, since the chemotherapy did not work.”  I dare say they would deem it necessary if it were their own family member. How can you deem a procedure that could be life saving as medically unnecessary?   As I stated earlier, this is a rare type of cancer that not much is known about.  How can they determine that radiation will not work without even trying it?  Of course, Tim’s doctors have appealed it, and have already stated that time is of the essence.  If you are a praying person, I humbly ask for your prayers in this matter.

I have not talked to Tim or his wife today.  I know how hard the news hit me, but I have no idea what it must have done to them.  I do know that they will deal with it just like they have dealt with this whole situation; with a strong faith in God, and in His will.

Part of me wants to question why  things like this happen, especially to someone like Tim, and our family.  But I am sure that is the same question that any family would ask when told this kind of news.  I know that God knows the why, and that He knows much more than we do.  I trust that whatever happens, it will be His plan.  Does that make it any easier? Not at all.  But it does give me comfort, in knowing that He is in control, and knows what is best.

Right now, all we can do is pray……and wait.

And The Beat Goes On….

Well, here we are into a new year.  I have been thinking about some things I can do this year  to make a difference.  Not necessarily in the world, but in me.  I am painfully aware that  there are many aspects of my life that could use some improvement.  So, this years project is going to be to work on me.

One of the things about me that I dislike the most is that I tend to let others kind of bully me around.  I get upset, but, instead of fighting back, I tend to seeth in silence.  This, in turn makes for a bad few minutes when I get home, as my dear husband has to listen as I blow off steam, and get it out of my system. So I know he will appreciate this.

I also have been a closet writer since the age of 10.  I write mostly poetry, and I alway keep a copy of whatever I write.  The things that inspire me are things that happen around me, like, the Challenger disaster.  I also see things as I go about my every day life that just make something “click” in my brain, and I write a poem about them.  I never know when one is comoing, but when they come, I have to write them down.  I want to devote more time to writing.  Why?  ther han the fact that it gives me great pleasure, I really don’t know.  I have never known how to submit anything for payment, and still have no clue.  But something inside of me just says that I have to write.  So, I am going to do it.

Another thing that I want to do is to try to find some clothes that are a little more updated.  I am from the old mold.  I don’t feel like a fifty something should necessarily dress like a 20 year old.  But on the other hand, I don’t think a 20 year old needs to dress like a fifty something, either.  So, I am going to try and get myself out of the rut of what is “safe” and be a little more stylish, without looking pathetic.  (This will be a big challenge for me, as I have a hard time finding clothes that I feel are appropriate.)

I am, and have always been, very opinionated.  Sometimes, to the point of bluntness.  This is something that I need to work on, so I plan to do that.  I have another blog, where I will be stating my opinion about world affairs, politics, and just my own opinion about them.  But that is not for this blog.  This one is more for  just everyday stuff.  Kind of like  this piece. I would like some fedback on it, if you would..  I like to know that someone reads what I write.  Like it or hate it, I would like to  know what you think,   If you have suggestions, I would really like to hear them.

I am also going to be more consistant with the posts.  Whatever I feel like writing about is what you will get.  But, I promise, here, NO politics.  Today being MLK day, I will borrow a line from his famous speech.  “I have a dream.”  It is to work toward being a better person, and hopefully, share some of that with you.  Until tomorrow, take care, and keep smiling.

Thoughts On a New Year

Well, here we are, fresh into another new year.  And, as usual, I am sure that many of you made those New Years resolutions.  I have been known to do that.  But, this year, I didn’t.  I did do some goal setting, but, none of the “R” things for me.

I have made one of my goals to try and live each day trying to be a better person to those around me.  If I can treat people like I want to be treated, it may just change their day.  And who knows, it could just make mine.

I have also decided to set as a goal to let those closest to me know how I feel about them, and what they mean to me, and to do it often.  We found ou a few months ago that one of my husbands brothers has a very rare form of liver cancer.  Though the news has been tough to take, we must keep the faith, keep praying, and keep going.  He has been a real inspiration to the whole family, as this is what he is doing.  But, the point here is that it shouldn’t take news like this to make us reach out to those closest to us and draw them nearer to us.  So, if you are one of my family members, reading this,  know that I love you very much, and if you get seemingly “strange” phone calls from me, stating that very fact, all I can say is get used to it.

There have been a few changes made at work in the past couple of months.  For the better.  But, with change comes some uncertainty.  And also, some differences in technique.  So, there has been an adjustment period.  But, things are going pretty good, and everyone is settling in pretty much.  One of my goals is to do my job to the very best of my ability, and treat my co-workers with respect and good humor.  Anyone who works with others knows that this is one goal that is hard to achieve.  But, I believe it can be done.

We found out about three months ago that we are going to become grandparents for the first time this May.   Of course, we are excited.  But, I have to say, I am a little bit scared at the same time.  This is new territory for me.  Never been a grandparent before.  (Can’t be too much harder than being a parent, can it?)  Looking forward to meeting little Anna Ruth in mid May.  Everyone tells me that there is nothing like it. 

I guess that I am becoming a little more mellow.  I don’t think that means tha t I am getting old.  But it does mean that I am reordering my priorities.  Maybe that is a sign of growing up.  (You know, growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.)  Well, I refuse to totally grow up.  Never will.  Acting like a kid helps keep me young.  And we all need to act like kids at times.

I look forward to seeing what this new year brings.  I know there will be a lot of good things, and probably some things that are not-so-good.  But, whatever it brings, I know that with God’s help, I will get through it.  So, I am going to enjoy each day, live it to the fullest, and hopefully, in a way that makes someone elses day a little bit better.   If I can do that, then 2012 is going to be a great year.